i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
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My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.