Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Have kids they said, itās life changing they said, youāll love it they said…
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Itās terrible when my husband āmisplacesā his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Canāt, Iām in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
If you see a ālost & foundā box in the proctologistās office keep walking.
Iāll be mad as hell!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, āCompliments to the chef!ā Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with š„²
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Passed a gym sign that said āHave those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?ā and I feel personally attacked.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
āI canāt believe you string lights like that, Brad. Iām out.ā
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, Iād probably choose whiskey.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say āplease donāt end your sentence with a prepositionā ok! i actually donāt know what that is
Oh no šššš
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.