HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
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A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I love you…
…r dog.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?