At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
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Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
This kinda thing happens to me often
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.