I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
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I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.