Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
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Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I think this should do it.