Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
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Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.