Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
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[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Seems a bit forward
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Why is everyone getting married at me
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU