I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
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what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!