Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.