Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
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Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
*looks at you in batman voice*
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u