Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
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JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
The smoothest fall of all time
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead