My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
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Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
So we got a goldfish…
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.