Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
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Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
From my Mom
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes