Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
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*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.