My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
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My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce