The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
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Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
At Walmart during the holidays like..
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
(Electricians.)
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on