I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
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I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off