[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Poetry is my passion
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.