NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
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As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]