Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
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*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
#growingpains
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
the Monday after daylight savings
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
The Wolf of Wall Street.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret