Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
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interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
this makes me so uncomfortable
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy