Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.