I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
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My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Velcrow
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Not my job 😂
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.