[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
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Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.