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toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie