[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
God, I love Scotland
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey