I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
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My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.