me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
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USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Did my cat write this
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab