[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
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It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it