Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
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If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT