[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.