This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island