Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
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Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I can also cook 😂
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
yeet
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”