I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
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if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it