Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
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*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.