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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
not for long
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.