Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
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Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.