I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
How to wake up a Beagle
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.