The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
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Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?