It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
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My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.