The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
“How’s your day going?”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”