Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
You Might Also Like
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP