I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Woke up with morning Yule Log
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Every photo I’m tagged in
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet