when mom throws a party…
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.