I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Kids, do not try this at home!
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.