me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
You Might Also Like
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance