[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I have never heard an armadillo before.