Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
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*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar