April 1st is the class clown of days.
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According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Not today
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Living the best life.. 😊
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime